i feel like letting everyone know i’m okay?

the depressive episode is over, i didn’t hurt myself or anything

(also it wasn’t A telling D to stop seeing me; that’s just my go-to panic. D’s sister was in the hospital)

okay the alcohol is kicking in i’m not sad anymore i’ll be okay

monday i had a breakdown

Read More

bruises :D

i asked brodie to come over last time D couldn’t - the sex with D is less about the ~sex~ part and more… idk, the act itself? it just gives me something.

with brodie it’s just more concentrated. 

in all honesty, i should probably talk with him about possibly setting up a safeword at some point if i want to keep fucking around with him without alcohol being involved (as in, turning this into a Regular Thing like it is with D instead of just… drunkenly fucking around)

whatever

might be getting drunk with my friend brodie tonight

which. uh.

is always interesting.

(read: he’s kind of very touchy and also dominant and p much everything he does is gr9)

i wish i found him more sexually attractive because damn, it’d totally be him coming over every week instead of D. (except, uh, i’d probably skip weeks. we didn’t even fuck last time and i’m pretty sure he left bruises, not including the hickeys)

i’m not sure what i did with my hair but does it look okay????

also #2: it’s ridiculous how much more relaxed i am almost every time after D comes over. it’s nice, to be able to trust somebody.

also goddamn it’s fun when he gets dominant

like

he’s not usually, he’s only doing it for me

but

serious makeout session + being pinned down + hand on my throat = very relaxed rikki

mmm.

also #1: god, it’s not what we do. it’s so far from it. but i want to just fucking thank D for telling me about him. he’s so fucking important to D, and this is, i think, the first time D’s mentioned him - let alone actually talked about him - that it’s about him, not his death. i’m just… i’m glad D’s sharing him with me. trusting me with his memory. even if it’s just little things.

and i know D’s opening up more. i don’t know if it’s related to me talking about Tyler - and god, is that therapeutic, especially with me realising what i have about our relationship - but either way, i’m honestly just really fucking grateful for it. it’s just… one of those things. one of the important things, where it doesn’t need saying how profound it is.

i just want to thank D for sharing him with me.

when your “it wasn’t like that” logic (to the man who’s nearly 8 years older than you, and kind of a brotherly figure, who you have sex with regularly) is “she’s 4 years older than me and she was like a big sister!”

ah, drunklogic.

not my best move.

aka sometimes i say really poorly thought-out things.