the bar is walked into by the passive voice...
cw rape

so yeah that dude i mentioned in my last post apparently raped my friend 2 years ago

no worries, we are out to ruin his life :)

i just had my first experience w a dom i met a few days ago; the day before the scene we discussed kinks and things we didnt like and how important trust etc is and he brought up safewords and general stuff like that

while we were sceneing there were some things that kind ofcame up as red flags for me and idk if it’s me being brought up kink-wise by the internet andbeing misinformed or if he’s not learned from a good place or is less experienced than he claimed but anyway

red flags:

did not actually give me/have me choose a safeword

rly didnt seem to notice when i was obviously not Into It??

had told my friend (who is essentially my safety net here) that there wouldn’t be straight up sex/sexual contact for a While (months) (did not tell me this in the same manner (phrased it with a different reasoning; for my friend it was to build trust etc, for me bc birth control)) (did have sex with me)

didn’t seem to parse when we told him that i liked some pain but had v low tolerance

just didn’t seem to listen a ton in general/took it in the way he wanted to maybe? (ex i can’t come from vag stimulation alone, didn’t seem to get that??????)

when i asked today abt using stoplight system he said it was “unreliable” and when i asked why he said that he’d used it previously and there can be “several ways to miss the signal”

also tho i’d told him i researched the hell outta bdsm in general for years online he seemed surprised i knew stuff (like the term somnophilia) and relatedly he didn’t warn me or say what he was going to do or attempt to teach me verbally at all??

ok sorry this turned out super long!!! but like it’s jsut he says he’s had subs before and idk if it’s him being inexperienced or had a bad teacher or if my expectations are way off

ehhh

going back next week to see if he improves at all

like i know i need to go over what both of our expectations/desires for the relationship are, as well as limits etc, but like

can anyone help me think of other things i should bring up as either questions or concerns?

oh also august brought the oh fuck we’re in love realisation wrt D/me

august 20 brought the oh fuck he’s gonna leave me for a boy bc i’m… not legal… and ~dont have a future w him (his words)

then we kinda got back togetherish bc boy moved so idk wtf is happening rn

also i bought myself a collar at piratefest and i feel kind of like i sent myself chocolate on valentines day but whatever. omnom leather smell. also omnom half off the original price bc boobs.

so i was out with D and a couple other friends last night as we ran into this guy nick who brittany is friends with

and i had to go home first (post-hell’s gate visit, which was uneventful and i’m a bit glad)

so D is driving nick home after i’m gone and apparently it is ridiculously obvious that i am a sub from my body language bc they got to talking about me and apparently nick is a Dom and v. interested in me

and the three of us are meeting tonight to talk about the possibility of a D/s relationship between me and nick

a couple of the things nick said to D put up red flags BUT i wasnt there and D/s relationships kinda skeev D out so it might just be that

but we’ll find out??

i feel like letting everyone know i’m okay?

the depressive episode is over, i didn’t hurt myself or anything

(also it wasn’t A telling D to stop seeing me; that’s just my go-to panic. D’s sister was in the hospital)

okay the alcohol is kicking in i’m not sad anymore i’ll be okay

tw for suicidal thoughts/ideation, drug use, and alchohol

monday i had a breakdown

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bruises :D

bruises :D

i asked brodie to come over last time D couldn’t - the sex with D is less about the ~sex~ part and more… idk, the act itself? it just gives me something.

with brodie it’s just more concentrated. 

in all honesty, i should probably talk with him about possibly setting up a safeword at some point if i want to keep fucking around with him without alcohol being involved (as in, turning this into a Regular Thing like it is with D instead of just… drunkenly fucking around)

whatever